June Campbell : Writing from Vancouver

One of life’s greatest mysteries has been solved. According to recent news reports, we now know what came first, the chicken or the egg. In case you are wondering, the chicken wins the race. Scientists from Warwick and Sheffield universities, no doubt working tirelessly 24/7 to resolve this burning issue, have determined that an eggshell is made from a type of protein that is found only in chickens’ ovaries. Don’t ask me where the first chicken came from to produce this protein. The researchers didn’t say.

In any case, now that I no longer have to contemplate the whole chicken/egg situation, I have come up with a few other imponderables. You may want to ponder them also.

Imponderable #1: Why do Inmates in US Prisons wear Orange?

I don’t have anything against the color orange, but that particular shade of orange is butt ugly. Admittedly, I’ve only ever seen the jumpsuits on television and every time I do, I ask myself whatever led the officials to go with that color?

Colors impact us emotionally and psychologically. Ask anyone from the advertising industry. Ad agencies have spent small fortunes researching the precise colors to use to elicit a particular effect in the demographic they are trying to reach. Fast food restaurants, for example, often decorate with reds and oranges, colors known to encourage customers to order, eat and leave quickly.

The orange jumpsuits induce feelings of power, arousal and aggression. Even I feel hostile when I look at those outfits and I’m a peace loving grandmother. What effect do you suppose that color has on already hostile and aggressive felons who are crowded together in small spaces?

If you deliberately set out to choose a color that would most contribute to violence and riots, you would do no better than to pick that particular shade of orange.

I suppose the color was chosen for its high visibility, should a prisoner escape. The way I see it, there are other colors that are visible but have a more calming effect that that harsh orange.

Imponderable #2: How is a Swear Word Decided Upon?

As far as I know, every culture or every language has its own swear words. Who decides which words are swear words and why is one word chosen over another? How is it decided which words are only mild expletives but others have serious shock value? And if a taboo word gets overused to the point it is almost mainstream, does another new taboo word emerge to take its place?

Canada has two official languages: French and English. In the English language, the most offensive swear words are words depicting sexuality or bathroom functions. In the French language, I have been told that the most offensive swear words refer to religion or God.

No doubt other languages have similar peculiarities. So I ponder how certain words or concepts become taboo while others do not.

I don’t, however, ponder why we have swear words in the first place. An article in yesterday’s paper revealed that psychologists have proven through scientific research that swearing decreases pain. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, yelling *&^&$% really does make it hurt less! Supposedly the same thing applies to emotional and physical pain as well. I hope the psychologists didn’t spend too much time on that study. Most of us could have told them this had we been asked.

Imponderable #3: Why Have We Stopped Saying What we Mean?

This may be a case of political correctness run amuck, but why have people stopped using certain words, only to replace them with words that have a somewhat different meaning?

I can’t speak for other countries, but in Canada and the US, we no longer have “problems.” We have “challenges.” The word “problem” is avoided like the plague.

Well, sorry, but I can’t see it. When a particularly vicious virus took control of my computer, it was a PROBLEM! If I run out of gasoline on the Lions Gate Bridge during rush hour traffic, I’m not GASOLINE CHALLENGED! I have a problem that is likely to get me a traffic ticket, which is another problem.

Similarly, there is no such thing as pain any more – at least not according to those most likely to inflict it (medical professionals, dentists, tattoo artists, body waxers, etc). No procedure will ever cause pain. It will result in discomfort. Childbirth causes discomfort. A prostate exam causes discomfort. A root canal causes a little discomfort. A bikini wax may create discomfort.

Do we believe that the sensation we experience will be less if we minimize it by using a milder word? If so, is that in fact, true? Psychologists, are you listening? This calls for another study.

And speaking of milder words, how did “death” become a taboo word? No one dies any more. We “pass’, or “pass away” or “pass over” or even “expire”. But we don’t die. Our pets don’t die either. They are “put down” or “put to sleep” or “euthanized” or whatever euphemism is currently popular.

Seriously, when you’ve lost a loved one, do you feel better if you say he “passed” rather than he “died?” It seems to me that this avoidance of death makes it harder for us to work through a loss than if we could speak the words outright.

Imponderable #4: Why is Consumer Merchandise Packaged Excessively?

Environmentally conscious households are striving to reduce household waste through recycling, composting, etc., and rightfully so. Reducing our trash should be one of everyone’s priorities.

But that having been said, why is there so much garbage in the first place? Why is it that almost every item we buy is wrapped in plastic and then mounted on cardboard?

I can see that excessive packaging may be needed for certain delicate or fragile items, or perhaps for the purpose of cleanliness in other cases.

However, much of what we buy could be sold without the trappings.

The environmental concern is only one aspect.

I’m willing to bet that the dollars and cents cost of the packaging is passed along to the consumer, so we pay for it at the time of the initial purchase, and then again later when our tax dollars are spent on garbage disposal and landfill issues.

I have yet another complaint about this packaging. Much of it is extremely difficult to open. I wonder how people with arthritis in the hands manage to rescue their merchandise from its rugged plastic cocoon.

Who does it benefit and why is it there?

If none of these imponderables work for you, perhaps we gave up on the chicken matter too quickly. You can always ponder why the chicken crossed the road.

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Although having a “nice, rosy complexion” is usually touted as being a good thing, when my face’s skin colour grew from rosy to red and became a permanent condition, it was not nearly as appealing. I had developed a relatively common skin condition known as rosacea.

Rosacea is most prevalent among fair skinned people who blush easily. That describes me to a “t”.

The causes of rosacea are not clearly understood, but the redness of the face occurs because blood rushes to the small capillaries that are near the skin’s surface. Rosacea is often mistakenly confused with acne, and in fact, is often referred to as acne rosacea. In reality, the two are completely different conditions.

Various treatments and natural remedies have been tried over the years. Laser treatments are thought to offer the best and most long lasting results. They work by destroying the capillaries responsible for the redness.

My Personal Experience with the Laser Procedure

About fifteen years ago, laser treatment for rosacea was in its infancy. My physician advised me that a local dermatologist had begun offering the treatments and asked if I would be interested. My immediate response was a mixture of fear (I’m not known for my courage in the face of pain), and excited curiosity. I decided to check it out.

Although Canadians enjoy universal health care, “vanity” procedures such as this are understandably not covered. The dermatologist’s estimate for the cost of the laser treatment was $300, give or take. Since I had a well-paying job at the time, the cost wasn’t prohibitive. Keep in mind this was fifteen years ago. The fee would assuredly be different now.

Based on the dermatologist’s assurance that the “discomfort” would be minimal, I opted to have the treatment. It was performed in the doctor’s office on a Friday evening, giving me the weekend to recover before I returned to work on Monday.

During the session, I wore black, opaque goggles to protect my eyes while the doctor and his trainee “zapped” my face about a dozen times with the laser.

Although it wasn’t excruciating, the pain was more than a “discomfort.” Each zap was perhaps the equivalent of a bee sting. The zaps on the nose were the worst. As I mentioned earlier, I’m a wus when it comes to pain.

What I hadn’t realized was that each “zap” would cause a burn on the skin that would fade gradually over the course of a week to ten days. These burns evidenced themselves as bright red, perfectly circular spots about an inch in diameter.

I was expected to show up for work on Monday. Thankfully my job didn’t require me to meet the public. However, the symmetrical red circles dotted across my nose and cheeks created quite a stir among my colleagues. Comments ranged from a shocked question regarding skin cancer to a more humorous comparison to Pippi Longstockings.

( Pippi Longstockngs, for those unfamiliar with the name, is a character in a series of children’s books. She wears striped stockings and has large red freckles on her face)

I hope this report doesn’t deter anyone from having laser treatment for rosacea. I have been told that laser treatments have advanced and that today’s procedures are gentler than the ones of my experience.

Best yet, the laser treatments work. The dermatologist administered what he viewed as the minimum number of zaps (treatments), saying we could do more later on if needed. His recommendation was to let the burns heal then decide whether there was enough rosacea remaining to require more treatments. I decided there was no need for additional procedures.

Re-occurrence

The dermatologist also informed me that the rosacea could reoccur over time. To prevent or delay the re-occurrence, I was advised to avoid anything that caused heating of the face. This included hot water on the face, drinking alcohol, eating spicy foods, drinking hot drinks such as tea or coffee and exposure to direct sunlight. To be frank, I wasn’t willing to make these lifestyle changes – especially coffee drinking. It took several years, but eventually the rosacea returned. It worsened during menopause, and then gradually faded on its own afterward.

Today, I still have this condition, but the redness is less pronounced than it once was. For several years, I have practiced various forms of energy medicine and energy healing. Whether or not this alternative approach to health care has any bearing on the rosacea lessening, I cannot say. Perhaps it does or perhaps it does not.

About Rosacea

The prime rosacea symptom is reddening of the face, as described above. Some individuals may experience a variation known as papulopustular rosacea . In this case, bumps, pimples or spots will be present. Phymatous rosacea , most common among older men, shows up as an enlarged, red nose with bumpy skin. Former US President Bill Clinton suffers from this type of rosacea. Another variant, ocular rosacea is rosacea of the eyes. Symptoms include red eyes, burning and itching.

As mentioned earlier, alternative rosacea treatment is  available and may be worth exploring. However, anyone suspecting they have this condition would be wise to consult a medical doctor for a diagnosis before proceeding with home remedies. Should the symptoms be caused by something other than rosacea, your physician would want to treat accordingly.

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Someone sent me a joke a few years ago. Like so many jokes, it was grounded in truth. The joke was this:

Question: Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?

Answer: They have a common enemy.

In case you are lucky enough not to know who the common enemy is, it is the in-between generation: the grandchildrens’ parents. Notwithstanding the popular image of doting grandparents jiggling happy toddlers on their laps while beaming parents look on, the relationship between grandparents, adult children and grandchildren can be fraught with tensions, stress and conflict.

Any pre-existing tensions between parents and their adult children will get played out in spades when grandchildren enter the picture. And as for the kiddies, at a very young age they learn how to exploit the situation. Children soon learn what to do if their grandparents overlook rules that their mommies and daddies enforce. Just as children become geniuses at pitting mommy against daddy wherever possible, they also learn to pit parents against grandparents.

Many years ago, I presented my parents with their first grandchild, leading to a challenging power struggle between the three generations. Today, a grandmother myself, I experience this dynamic from the opposite side of the fence. I am keenly aware that a false move will put me in the “grandparent doghouse.”

My friends are grandparents also, and I have watched more than one of them land in doo-doo by stepping on parental toes. I’ve also observed how wiser grandparents handle the situation. As my friend Joan put it, “I am sure I have offended them (the parents) far more than I might like to think. Mostly I try to mind my own business and not do anything they don’t.”

The way I see it, today’s young families are under considerable stress from many sources. This stress and sense of overwhelm can lead to health challenges, marital problems and sometimes even divorce.

As a grandparent, I may not be able reduce the amount of this stress – but I can refrain from causing more of it. After all, if I love my grandchildren, then it stands to reason that I want what’s best for them. It’s hard to see how contributing to disharmony in the family will be in the child’s best interests.

The following Grandparent Tips may pave the way to smoother relationships.

Grandparent Tip #1:  Avoid Competitive Grandparenting

From time to time, I come across a grandparent who approaches the relationship as a competition between themselves and their adult children. The prize in the competition is the grandchildren’s love and affection. The goal of the game is not just to get the grandchild’s love, but to demonstrate that the grandchild loves you MORE than she loves her parents. This is relatively easy to do, given that parents are the “bad cops” tasked with maintaining discipline and reinforcing rules. The grandparents can slide easily into the “good cops” role”, closing their eyes to behaviors that the parents would strive to correct, or worse, encouraging them.

Competitive grandparenting can also occur between the two sets of grandparents. Who will be the “A” Team and who will be the “B” Team? This particular competition often involves one-upmanship in gift giving. While the grandchildren are likely to score big in terms of material things, you also have to ask what life lesson they’re learning when this occurs.

Either type of competitive grandparenting increases the stress and tension in the household. While temporarily “winning the grandparent competition” has its short-term psychological rewards, it is not in the best interests of the grandchildren or anyone else. In the long term, there are no winners in this game.

Grandparent Tip #2:  Remember You Had Your Turn

Keep in mind that you had your turn at parenting children and now the torch is passed to a younger generation. It’s fine to be sensitive to the milestones in your grandchild’s life, but avoid usurping the parents’ right to acknowledge these milestones in their own way.

Many years ago, my well-meaning parents took my oldest child for his first haircut. My husband I knew nothing about this plan until the deed was done. To say we were annoyed would be an understatement. Not long ago, one of my friends got herself in the grandmother doghouse by doing exactly the same thing with her first grandchild. She (my friend) was both astounded and amused that her daughter and son-in-law were angry.

It may seem trivial – but it’s the sort of thing that builds resentment. A child’s first hair cut is an important milestone. It’s a decision and ritual that rightfully belongs to the parents. Interested grandparents might ask if they could be included in the haircut expedition, but most certainly should not take matters into their own hands.

The haircut is but one example of grandparents unthinkingly taking over the parenting role. When my oldest grandchild started school, I wanted to do something to mark the occasion. My first impulse was to buy a GIGANTIC box of art and school supplies along with a cute outfit for the first day of school. Thankfully, before I reached for my Visa card, I realized that shopping for school supplies and school clothing would be an important event for my son and daughter in law, and one that I should not hone in on. I bought a board game and books instead.

This brings us along to my third tip:

Grandparent Tip #3: Think Before You Buy

When I was a young mom, doting grandparents showered my son with enough cute outfits to supply an orphanage. Likewise, they bought enough toys, games, bicycles and other items to keep this same orphanage stocked for years to come.

Only a complete ingrate would complain about receiving such bounty, right? I never voiced my ambivalence about all of these gifts, judging myself for being unappreciative. However, not long ago, a young mom of today confided in me that she, as well as her circle of friends, wished the grandparents would cut back on the endless supply of kids’ clothing, toys and games.

Why? Several reasons. First, refer to Tip #2 . You had your turn. Young parents want the fun of shopping for their children and picking out the cute outfits themselves. Similarly, young parents want to decide how much care they devote to looking after kid’s clothing. Most of them DON”T want the chore of caring for adorable but delicate fabrics that require special attention or worse, dry cleaning. I still remember the exquisitely cute outfit of red velvet and lace that my son received for his first birthday. Have you ever dressed a hyperactive 12 month old boy in velvet and lace? If so, you have a fairly good idea of how that worked out.

When it comes to buying toys, consider the amount of storage space available as well as the amount of hassle that the toy is likely to create for mom and dad. I remember, none too fondly, the electrical wood burning kit that my eight year old son received one Christmas. Our home had wood paneled walls. Let your imagination roam.

Also, keep in mind that today’s parents have their own ideas regarding the type of toys and activities that they deem appropriate and safe.

Excessive gift buying can get you in the grandparent doghouse for another reason. Refer to Tip # 1 . You are likely to set up a competition between parent and grandparent. Grandparents may have more disposable income to spend than the young family – and this can create a situation where children see their grandparents as benevolent gift givers and the parents as stingy and withholding. This may be a “feel good” thing for grandparents, but certainly does not contribute to harmony within the family.

So how does a grandparent handle the gift giving and shopping situation? It’s all about communication and respect. Communicate with the parents and invite their input regarding the shopping decisions. Perhaps paying for swimming lessons, donating money to a savings plan, purchasing a membership in a children’s museum, or making personalized, hand made gifts would be a better approach. On the other hand, maybe you will find that your adult children are delighted to receive the toys and clothing – in which case, go for it!

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A recent article in the Vancouver Sun caught my eye. The article featured interviews with personnel from a local agency that provides mental health counseling to seniors. According to the interviewees, high numbers of seniors are experiencing problems with depression.

There is no great surprise in that. We’ve known for a long time that depression is prevalent among the older members of the population. And as expected, many of the issues behind the depression are the situations that we’ve often heard about in the past: ill or failing health, adjusting to retirement, financial matters, and the knowledge that death is looming ahead. Also, there is grief over losing the spouses, family and friends who have left this world for whatever lies beyond.

So far this is nothing new. We’ve understood for a long time that issues such as these contribute to depression in the senior population. But then came the startling revelation that a good many of the seniors participating in this program are depressed due to parenting regrets and unsatisfying relationships with their adult children. Guilt and remorse are prevalent as these folks question their parenting practices and hold themselves accountable for what they perceive as the mistakes they made as a parent.

The newspaper article quoted one of the interviewees as saying,”Some are still blaming themselves for being bad parents at age 80.”

According to the article, these seniors also blame themselves for their children’s failures and choices. Parents blame themselves because adult children have problems with alcohol and addictions, are divorced, don’t have highly paid employment or don’t want to spend time with them.

Furthermore, many of these seniors reportedly feel bullied by their children and lack assertiveness in dealing with their grown sons and daughters. This lack of assertiveness is not necessarily present in other areas of life, but seems specific to their interactions with the offspring.

The interviewee commented, and I concur, that these regrets over parenting are “barely admissible in society.”

In my view, this subject may well be one of the last remaining taboos. In this day of baring your soul on various radio and television talk shows, reality TV and public confessions of almost everything, it is fascinating to discover that the one thing we cannot talk about is our perceived shortcomings as a parent.

It’s socially acceptable, even admirable, to publicly discuss your sexual addictions and proclivities, your gynecological conditions, your hemorrhoids, your fetishes, phobias and neurosis, your financial challenges, the degree of debt you have racked up, your abuse history, your gambling problems and almost anything else. Yet, the social stigma around bad parenting is still so great that people can not and will not mention their feelings – not even to close friends and family members.

Curious to put this to the test among my own circle of friends, I tentatively broached the article and the subject of our parenting history. I asked if anyone else, like me, felt guilty over how we raised our children. The reaction was one of nervous embarrassment. We all admitted to similar doubts – no one went into much detail — and we all said we would not be comfortable discussing the matter around other people.

I get the impression, based on the article and on my friends’ and my own reaction, that this secret guilt and regret is likely to be widespread. I turned to what may well be the world’s leading authority on almost everything – the Great Google – and ran some searches. The results were zilch. Plenty of hits showed up leading to discussions between young parents regarding good and bad parenting practices. However, I found absolutely nothing to do with seniors and their self-perception of bad parenting.

Acting on the assumption that senior-guilt over parenting practices is widespread but kept tightly under cover, I wondered if earlier generations of seniors felt the same way about their own abilities. I tend to think not. I believe expectations of parenting practices have changed immensely since I was a child. In my parent’s generation, a parent’s role was primarily that of provider. A good parent was one who kept a roof over the head, food on the table, clean clothes in the closet and who made sure the kids got to school a reasonable amount of the time. Anything above that was icing on the cake. However the kids turned out—good, bad, or indifferent – was their own doings, not a reflection on how they were raised

Today, our definition of a good parent is vastly different.

Today’s seniors look back on their parenting styles and know our shortcomings only too well. We did not usually breast feed. We didn’t use car seats and seat belts. We spanked our children from time to time. We fed infants sugared baby food when they were only weeks old. We smoked during pregnancy and we smoked around our children. We had our children vaccinated without a second thought. We criticized undesirable behavior without worrying about destroying self esteem. Day care wasn’t around at that time, so we left our children with untrained, unlicensed babysitters while we worked. We told our children what to do and didn’t offer choices. We hadn’t heard much about sexual predators, so we didn’t put undue efforts into keeping our children safe. We didn’t know or worry about environmental toxins and hazards. We thought that “Because I said so ” was a good enough answer.

And now, if I have this figured right, quite a few of us are carrying around a secret parcel of guilt and remorse for all of the above, and more. If we’re afraid to stand up to our grown children, it could be because guilt and assertiveness are natural enemies.

I went back and reread the article one more time. My question is whether this degree of regret is occurring with seniors everywhere, or is it in some way specific to this one particular population. The latter doesn’t make sense to me, so I suspect we’re looking at a taboo subject that’s getting ready to emerge out of the closet.

I wonder how long before we’ll be spilling our guts on Oprah.

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